Self Portraits: The Dying Bride
Sometime ago during my healing process post separation I was meditating & saw this woman in a wedding dress screaming gray. Trapped in a chair in a room of gray. The more she screamed the more the room flooded with gray. Her eyes scratched out black & her soul crippling from the inside out in darkness. I knew I needed to step into my dress & sit with this woman screaming in pain that I would acknowledge but not look at for long. I’ve been doing the work & when things started feeling really good again I didn’t want to take steps back into pain. I’ve learned that was me only holding myself back from continuing that momentum to move forward.
I’ve had everything to execute this shoot for awhile now & every time I went to take the photos I wasn’t in the mood to “ruin” a good day.
Yesterday I woke up & said fuck it there’s no better moment.
As I pulled the dress out of the bag I began to feel anxious & a ton of pressure on my chest. Tears came & just sat right at the edge of my eyes. They didn’t fall they just sat there & eventually went back in. I sat in front of my camera with a very clear vision of what I wanted. But every second I sat there in that dress the less I could breathe. I decided in that moment to not experiment with the original vision & to just sit there, let the camera click. The longer I sat in the dress the tighter & more suffocating it became. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t push myself to grow, I couldn’t be me, I COULD NOT BREATHE. It was everything I felt at the end of my marriage. All at once rushing back. Just sitting there on my chest. I cut the shoot short, ripped off the dress & threw it to the floor. I took selfies with my phone of the rawness of that moment after & that was IT, that was the healing, that was the freedom, that was the new breath the woman was grasping for.
I’ve worried all day how this post would effect my past partner & my current partners. I was reminded quickly that somethings will never change. While also finding support & encouragement to show up as the person I am today.
Not every day is perfect. In fact most days I’m burnt out. BUT I could not be more proud of this woman I call me.